And while we are talking about old queens.

I'm not saying I've lost my original luster, but yesterday I offered myself as a human sacrifice to a volcano and it spat me out.

Congratulations, Liz!

It is official today, Elizabeth II is the longest reigning monarch in England/Great Britain's history.

63 years and 216 days later, she leaves Vicky in the dust!

Everybody loves and old queen, right?

More timely advice from Worldly Mac

Dear Worldly Mac,

I am deeply troubled by the ongoing Twinkie difficulties. I grew up with Twinkies as a constant companion. They give me great solace during times of strife. During the calamity of 2012/13 when Twinkies weren’t available in the US, I made several drives to Canada to secure a supply. This was very difficult as I live on an off-shore island.

Ignoring the cars I lost before I thought of driving one on a steamer, there was the time involved.

I live in constant fear that Twinkies will once again be impossible to buy. I am losing sleep with my anxieties. What should I do?

Signed,

Off-shore Twinkie Addict.

___________________________________________________

Dear Off-shore Twinkie Addict,

Dude or dudette, I understand your dilemma. These are troubled times in which we live.

Do as I did. Dig a bunker under your house. Line it with lead, so that no radiation can get in, then order a couple of truckloads (or in your case, ‘boatloads’) of Twinkies from your local grocer. Problem solved.

Not to worry, they have a shelf life longer than you’re going to have if you eat that many!

Bon appétit!

Worldy Mac

No!!! No!!! Say it ain't so!!!

Come back, Judy Carne.

We all need a good laugh!

Attempted murder in the Upper Valley.

A loud thump in the night: I jump up out of bed. There is a large cat, not of the orange tabby variety, with a brass candlestick in his paws. He drops it for a second time when he sees me coming. It lay on the floor.

His aura is one of pure innocence. Hey laughs and says, “Who me? You think I was going to carry the candlestick to the bedroom, jump up on the bed and beat you senseless? Oh, I laugh at such a silly idea. Besides, someone already beat me to it.” He licks his paw casually, “Now, you go back to bed and I’ll clean-up in here,” he purrs.

I did, he didn’t.

I've started a new advice column!

Dear Worldly Mac,

My cat just threw up on the floor. I cleaned it up, but now there is a clean spot on the floor. What should I do?

Signed,
Cat Owner

Dear Cat Owner,

Been there, bud.

There is only one thing to do. Have a cocktail or two or three until you no longer notice the clean spot. Don’t worry, it will go away with time.

Then pet the sweet kitty and tell him/her if (s)he ever does it again, (s)he is toast. [Not to worry, (s)he won’t understand anything other than the petting.]

Oh, and a note here, make sure the ASPCA is not on speed dial on your phone. Your other cat is crafty! 

Worldly Mac

I’m not meaning to complain.

I know. It was such a short time ago that I was whining about the heat, but I really think that lowering the temperature to 41° is a knee jerk reaction. I’m not sure who is in charge, but I feel it would be appropriate to have the a high temperature of 75°, and a low of 60° for the next month. Oh, and while I’m putting in my order, I would like sunny days with light rain overnight, so that I don’t have to worry about watering my weeds.

And while I’m dealing with exterior issues, what the hell happened to the weed-whacker fairy? I haven’t seen him all summer. And the "lawn" shows it.