Dear John,

Okay, I sat back and grinned smugly when Carrie Prejean’s sex tape went public. I think it highlighted her often-overlooked skankiness. And when Governor Sanford told the world he was going to work on his marriage, despite the woman in Argentina being his ‘soul mate’, I had to almost feel sorry for him. How stupid could he be? I mean, what was the dimwit thinking?

But John Edwards, you have totally crossed the line. (Actually, I think it was quite a number of lines you crossed over.) Your wife is battling a devastating form of cancer and you frickin’ have an affair. You want to be president, so you sire a child out-of-wedlock to increase your chances. (The child can’t vote for 18 years, you dumbfuck! And I wouldn’t count on him to vote for you anyway!) And you have it videoed!

I am outraged. As much as anything, I am mad at myself for having supported you in the past. But face it dude, from the gutter to you ain’t up! (I borrowed that from a classic old song.) Just because you are a political big-wig with nice hair doesn’t mean you get to have sex with everyone you want. Didn’t you learn anything from the Clinton years?

But this gives me an idea for a very profitable venture: an epic porn film starring Carrie and John. A little something for everyone! I’ve got to run, I need to write the script for my new project.

The Meaning of Lila

Farewell Zelda

You were there in the bad times. Thank you.

Celebrating 121 Years of Sisterhood.

Quite an accomplishment for a couple of young women like you!!!

And thank god you have maintained your sense of style!!!

Happy Birthday, dear sisters!!!

The Competition Warms Up

January 24, 2009

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Holiday Inn,

Bedwarmer Extraordinaire: yes, that is I. If you want your hotel to be swankier than the competition, you need the best bedwarmer money can buy. Excusez-moi, mais c’est moi.

Don’t be fooled by other self-proclaimed ‘bedwarmers’. They are inferior Brand X. I’ve seen your last applicants, Max and Trixie, at work. Your guests will be chilled by their very presence. I am the bedwarmer you are looking for.

I don’t come cheap, but the best seldom does. Just know that I am worth the investment.

Send me your best offer.

Warm regards,

Ralph

From MSN.com:

"International hotel chain Holiday Inn is offering a trial human bed-warming service at three hotels in Britain this month."

I know, I know, I’m a little freaked out by it, too. Some dude in a suit lays in your bed so that it is all toasty when you come to bed. There are a lot of sick and twisted directions I could go with this story, but, as always, I will go the wholesome and mature route.

I’ve got a couple of incredible bed warmers, and they may not know it yet, but they are out there on the job market.

January 23, 2010

Dear Sir or Madam,

Please allow us to introduce ourselves. The large, king-sized bed warmer is Trixie, and the smaller, personal warmer is Max. As a team we are capable of warming more beds per hour that the average Joe. Add to that our natural snuggleability and I’m sure that you will see what a valuable addition we could be to your team at Holiday Inn.

As the foremost in our field, we do expect our compensation package would allow us to maintain the lifestyle to which we have become accustomed. We would expect our generous salary to be deposited directly into our Swiss bank accounts, paid leave, insurance, sick pay, a retirement plan and all the treats we can eat.

Please respond at your earliest convenience.

Your future employees,

Trixie and Max

You Go, Cindy

Thank you!