Napping

Contrary to popular belief, napping can be a very competitive contact sport.

“Spring Time at the Homestead”, or “Why the Swiss Live In The Mountains Where There Is Always Snow So They Don’t Have To Deal With This Crap.”

Ignore the fresh snow on the ground, spring has come to Hood River. I know. I recognize the signs.

First, there is the mud. Are you aware that an average adult St. Bernard can drag ¾ of a cup of mud in with him after a romp in the vegetation-free back yard? Are you aware that the average adult St. Bernard goes out for romps in the vegetation-free backyard four times a day? Are you aware that, by using an obscure mathematical theorem, you can extrapolate the fact that two Saints are fully capable of dragging in 6 cups of mud per day during the rainy season we affectionately call “spring”? Are you aware of the indisputable fact that the average Saint Bernard owner is so sick of cleaning paws and floors and bedding that he is about ready to go totally mad and be institutionalized at one of those fancy state funny farms?

I can vouch for the data.

Then there is the fur. Where do I start? The fur: we don’t have dust bunnies. Nothing that small. Take the dust, added to the dried mud, multiplied by the gusting fur and you end up with dust Poodles. Standard Poodles, thank you.

Saints always shed – don’t believe anything different. Those books that claim they only shed one time a year are bullcrap. But admittedly, at the first hint of spring, they drop fur like there is no tomorrow. You sweep the floor when you go to bed, and you wake up to waist deep drifts of fur. You plan meals dependent on what tastes good under Saint fur. You think that state institution sounds good.

But, I love ‘em!

Oh

And if you believe in the power of thought or prayer, how about a good one for the people of the Red River Valley.

I wish I could get to Fargo in time to help. Hell, I'd be happy if I just thought I could help if I got there. But I'd only get in the way. Just one more geezer to rescue.

Earth Hour 2009

Okay, I’m not the hippest person in the world, but I was surprised that I had never heard of Earth Hour before. Earth Hour stared 2 years ago in Australia. In 2008, it spread like wildfire. And this year they are planning something bigger. They are hoping for 1 billion participants.

And it is really quite simple. Turn off your lights for one hour, starting at 8:30PM on Saturday, March 28, 2009 (local time). Their website (http://www.earthhour.org/home/) calls it a vote for the planet. It also says that if you don’t turn off your lights, you’re voting for global warming. Okay, that seems a tad harsh to me. Was my name on some list distributed last year as voting for global warming?

I do plan to partake in Earth Hour this year. Even I can go for one hour without lights. Max might have some trouble, but he’ll cope, loudly. And I’ll come up with some story for Richard.

But I would like to propose taking it a step further. Spend one hour a week using no electricity.

Sit down folks, there is no need to panic. I understand you have some issues. Many issues.

I understand. You feel the need to keep the VCR powered up, or you will never figure out how to set the time again. I say just give it up. Just ignore the time on your VCR. Trust me, after a few years you get used to it blinking “12:00AM”. But I know some of you are too anal for that.

So start simple. Pick an hour a week when you don’t need electricity and make sure everything easily and harmlessly turned off is turned off. It’s spring! Go outside for one flipping hour! Don’t unplug anything. You may forget to plug the refrigerator back in. That would be bad. Just make sure that everything that should be turned off, is turned off.

You might enjoy it!

The Season is Over.

Okay, it is true. The Jackrabbits lost to Baylor.

It is probably hard for the women who gave it all, to come so close, but still short.

But I think it is pretty amazing what they accomplished this year. And hopefully next year they will be back with a new version and just as much (or more) success!

PubQuiz’s “Quiz Against the Quizmasters.”

We came, we saw, we conquered.

Well, maybe not conquered, but we didn’t embarrass ourselves. Too much. At least not that I remember. And a hip-hip-hurray for our designated driver, Ryan.

Okay, we finished in the top half, but the second quarter. But we had fun, or at least I did.

Rabbits roll!

SDSU 90, TCU 55.

The score pretty much says it all.

They Don't Look Mean!

When you live with Saints, you expect to hit the ground periodically. Like cleaning the slobber off the ceiling, it is just a fact of life you deal with. They are amazingly gentle animals; they mean you no harm. But the unintentional cross body tackle is as effective as the intentional one.

Outdoors, when they knock you down in the snow, you all laugh and carry on. But, you may be surprised to learn that when you butt is bouncing off the hardwood floors, some of the humor is lost. Well, at least on my end.

It’s not bad enough that Ralph has just knocked me down with a brutal leg sweep, but now Trixie has to come over and give me a good head butt to the chin followed by a sweet, slobbery kiss. When the room stops spinning, I wipe my face on my sleeve and tentatively get to my feet. I am still a bit woozy. I see it coming, but am unable to do anything to stop it: the swift, sharp tail to the groin. I drop back to the floor and curl in the fetal position. I’ve always heard that if you lay perfectly still and play dead, they eventually lose interest and wander off into the bedroom to sleep.

And they do.

But just to add insult to injury, Ralph expects a treat first.

I had this great idea.

Richard drives a Honda CRX (or CRV, I forget which). It is blue. It is almost the right shade to be Jackrabbit Blue.

So, I mentioned to Richard that we should get some bright yellow paint (you know, the kind that washes off) and write “GO JACKRABBITS” on each side of his car.

I think Richard was a little dumbfounded. He looked at me like I had gone stark-raving mad. He had this expression on his face that screamed, “Mac, this is your most ludicrous ideas of all time!” Those of you who know me are well aware that this is not my worst idea ever. Not even close. It doesn’t even rank in the top ten for 2009.

But still, it died an untimely death. There will be no Jackrabbitmobile in Hood River this season. It’s okay. We would have had to wash the car anyway.

Eureka, I've Learned How To Use the Remote!

Click to enlarge comic.

And It Is Still Winter

Yes, old man winter still has his grip on the homestead, (I know, 5' in Valdez!) but tomorrow it will be spring. Time to move on to the next adventure!

On the Last Day of Winter

The first signs of spring.

The outrages just keep getting more outrageous!

Kenneth Lewis and Bank of America: I really didn’t think it could get more decadent. Ruth and Bernard Madoff: arrogance personified. (By the way, we really got to them. Bernie was rumored to be happy to go to jail. At least the marshmallow attacks would finally end.)

But AIG just can’t let the audacity go unchallenged. $1 million dollar retention bonuses to people who quit, $4 million dollar bonus to the people who guided the company to losing $170 billion dollars. (Good job, dudes. You damn near sank Iceland!) I think I agree with Grassley. Follow the Japanese example, good fellows (and fellowettes). AIG executives should steer clear of Oregon. We have an assisted suicide law in this state.

But of all the contemptible acts of the times, can you believe that the Jackrabbits got a 7th seed in the Southeast bracket in the NCAA Women’s basketball tournament! (Note to the NCAA: despite the name “South” Dakota State, the campus is not really in the south - unless you’re standing on the campus of North Dakota State – in which case everything is in the south, except the University of North Dakota, and… the University of Manitoba and… okay, let’s stop the madness before it begins.) 7th seed. What an insult. Doesn’t it just frost you. I don’t know who decided the seeds, but I bet it was one of those executives from AIG. They are bad, bad people.

Go Jackrabbits!!!

Meet the Neighbors

Just out shooting the bull with the neighbors.

March Muffin Madness

A tradition is born.

Wednesday, all the members of my office brought in homemade muffins to be adjudicated on taste and… okay, no one cared about anything but taste, other than Susan who thought hers should get brownie points for cuteness.

Mine were an exquisite old family recipe. I spent the evening gathering cranberries out of our bog, milking the cow, goosing the hens and harvesting the sugar cane. I ground the flour, using a pestle and mortar, from the grain I reaped last fall. Our vanilla bean crop is not in season, so I did have to use “store-bought” vanilla extract.

But the women conspired against me. Raquel and Kathleen brought in sugar-crusted hunks of sweetness, thinking we would all be impressed. Jan strutted in with her tofu-based, whole-wheat and granola infused little bundles of sugar. Susan showed up with her corn muffins with honey. So friggin’ cute.

Raquel won (cheated). Kathleen (cheater) came in a close second. They spent a pretty penny on bribes.

April will be “All About Apples.”

Welcome Home, Bernie

Bernard Madoff's new New York City penthouse!

So very chic!

Jackrabbits come from behind to win Summit championship!

So. Dakota St. 79, Oakland 69.

Traditionally, when I adopt a team like the Jackrabbits, it is the kiss of death. But they just keep on winning!

Now lets see how well they get seeded in the NCAA tournament!

I think my calendar is faulty.

The calendar reads March 10th. The fresh snow on the ground screams January 10th. Which am I to believe?

Lady Jacks Win Again

So. Dakota St. 68, IUPUI 53!

The Jackrabbits advance to the Summit Conference championship game against Oakland. (I'm pretty sure it's not the Raiders, but I'm not absolutely positive.)

So. Dakota State 77, Oral Roberts 49

I know you just can't get enough of the Jackrabbits! They kicked off the Summit Conference tournament with a rout!

They Have Got to Be Kidding.

The scumbucket Bernie Madoff and his ethically challenged wife, Ruth, for some unknown reason think they are entitled to keep their $9 million penthouse in Manhattan and $62 million in assets that are in Ruth’s name. I will try to control my anger.

People are dead because of these assholes. Others face lives ruined by these jerks. If everything that Mr. Madoff has confessed to is true, he should spend the rest of his life in jail. And sweet Ruthie was dragging millions of dollars out of the bank days before her sleazy husband was arrested and tucking it away in safe places. Oh, try and tell me she didn’t know what was going on. Ruth deserves a fair trial, before she is thrown in the slammer and the keys thrown away. I’d call them money-hungry whores, but frankly that would be an insult to whores worldwide.

I’m not really sure what to do. I mean, writing my congressman would do no good. (They have this separation of powers thing in DC.) The only thing I can think of is to be rude to Madoffs the next time I see them in public. It’s something we all can do!

So, the next time you’re pushing your cart down the aisle of the local Piggly-Wiggly and you see Bernie and Ruth coming toward you, be bold. Throw marshmallows at them. Slip a box of peanut butter crackers in their shopping cart. Get really mean and squeeze their Charmin! This is no-holds-barred!

To the thousands of people who have been financially hurt by Bernie & Ruth, I am sorry. Take comfort in the fact that most of you will still have a much more comfortable retirement than I will.

Last Update of the Regular Season!

South Dakota State 71, Oral Roberts 64

And South Dakota State wins the regular season Summit Conference title.

Did I mention SDSU has wins over; Minnesota, Wisconsin, Missouri, Utah, Illinois, Montana (Big Sky powerhouse), Gonzaga and the Oregon Ducks. I should hate them, but I don’t.

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