I Refuse to Grow Up

I read an article yesterday about 15 things that men can do to halt the aging process and look younger, longer. It was ludicrous piece of journalism, regurgitating the same worn out advice; like eating a well balanced diet, exercising regularly, not smoking, drinking in moderation, using sun block every time you go outside the house… you know, stuff that all those “health” gurus have been droning on and on about for decades.

Phooey on them.

I have my own five rules to looking younger.

#1. Sun block does nothing for anybody. If you really want to look younger, you must religiously avoid, not only the sun, but all bright lights. Let’s be brazenly honest: men of a certain age look their best in a pitch black room. The quality of image fades as the intensity of light increases. Anything brighter than a candle at fifty paces is a detriment to the appearance of the vast majority of mature men. It may be cruel, but life often is less than benevolent.

#2. It doesn’t really matter what you eat. More important is who you eat with. Eat with people who look older and significantly more grizzled than you do. Frankly, I look better eating a Mickey D lunch with some old geezer from the home than I do eating an ass-flattering salad with my co-workers. It is simple parameter of fact: youth is comparative.

#3. Don’t smoke in public. This has nothing to do with any of the unfortunate health related side effects of tobacco, this has more to do with rule #1. Cigarettes give off light. They must be avoided in public places at all cost. Jonesing isn’t a good enough excuse.

#4. Exercise is not going to do a damn thing to make you look younger. Get real folks, a wrinkled man, laying in the gutter and sweating like a pig after walking around the block doesn’t look any better than the kindly old gent sitting in the rocking chair on his porch. All the crap you read about “exercise making you look like a 20 year old rock star” is just marketing hype from the big exercise equipment manufacturing companies.

#5. Promote the consumption of alcohol. You look better in the mirror after your fourth cocktail. You look better in public after the public is on their fourth cocktail. This is pretty basic stuff, people.

A picture of me, looking my best.



Eating Cheetohs while I suck down my fifth drink, in a pitch black room, reclining in the easy chair with an 97 year old man next to me. I don’t get better than this.