Saint Rituals.

The Ritual of the First Sacramental Treat.

Nothing is more sacred, nor more procedural, than the Ritual of the First Sacramental Treat. The origins of the ceremony are based on archaic canons of the Saint Bernard caste, Most meanings are lost to the ages, but the motions are meticulously followed to this very day.

At 5:01PM, Ralph and Trixie (Grand Duke and Duchess of the Saint colony in Hood River County) scratch at the grand entry to the Temple of the First Sacramental Treat. (It should be noted that the grand entry to the Temple of the First Sacramental Treat is badly marred and in desperate need of replacement.) Max and Spike (hell, I don’t know their exact roles. I guess they are like acolytes, but I’m not sure. If I understood all the intricacies of the ritual, I think they would have to kill me) toddle down the hall and take their positions behind the ingress. The access is opened and the mighty Saints charge in like there is no tomorrow. Trixie immediately climbs the three steps to the Pantry of the First Sacramental Treat. Ralph high fives and takes his position, blocking the approach to the sacred Pantry of the First Sacramental Treat. Spike darts between Ralph’s legs and joins Trixie in the pantry. Max dawdles, roaming as only a cat can roam.

The cast is in its place, the stage is set for one of the greatest pageantries know to man, dog and/or cat.

Oh, I should mention that there is a manservant at all of these rites: a manservant with opposable thumbs to open the grand entry and to get the First Sacramental Treats out of their sacred receptacles.

After maneuvering past Grand Duke Ralph, the manservant first takes two large-dog sized First Sacramental Treats out of their sacred receptacle in the Pantry of the First Sacramental Treat. He hands the first one to Duchess Trixie, who snaps it out of his hand, runs down the hall and jumps up on the hallowed Bed Where the Duchess Devours her large-dog sized First Sacramental Treat. (Don’t think Richard doesn’t know why there are crumbs in bed!) The second large-dog sized First Sacramental Treat is handed to Grand Duke Ralph, who lies down on the floor of the grand entry and places the large-dog sized First Sacramental Treat between his massive front paws.

The manservant then takes the two large-domestic cat sized First Sacramental Treat out of their sacred receptacle. The first is handed to Acolyte Spike, who is as likely to take a bite of the manservant’s hand as not. The second First Sacramental Treat of the large-domestic cat size is then held in the manservant’s hand as he runs after Acolyte Max.

Only when Grand Duke Ralph is satisfied that all of the cast has received its First Sacramental Treat, does he devour his. He is such a gentledog.

(There would be pictures accompanying this post, but for the strict canons against cameras.)