A brief moment of reality

I have a CT scan tomorrow and an appointment with my oncologist on Tuesday.

There is an anxiety brewing. What do I do if the cancer is back? What do I do if it isn’t?

Surviving your partner, your husband, your lover is not as easy as it seems. There is no one to scream to, “My god, this fucking hurts.” No one who will hold you through the night as you cry your eyes out. No one who will tell you it is going to be okay.

Because: it will not be okay.

Dr. Sanborn will not say, “Oops, we made a mistake. Richard is sitting in the next room, waiting to see you.” Nor will she say, “You’ve survived cancer. Normal life can resume. I will never see you again.”

I know. Self pity. Unattractive.

But I still love Richard. I bought a chain in Nice… a necklace if you will… to house my wedding ring to Richard; assuming I would want to take it off my finger one day but still have him close to me.

I see no reason to take it off my finger. But, I wear the chain.  I am a slave to his love.