Ask the Gardening Guru

Many of you have been asking me many significant questions about gardening. While they are all earnest and heartwarming, I know the real answer to few, I manage to come up with reasonable facsimiles, that if you have never seen planet Earth before, you might actually believe.

Take a recent question and my precise answer.

Dear Gardening Guru, Sir,

How do I tell a weed from a plant that I sowed from seed. I am confused.
With warm regards,

A Real Loser in the Garden

 Dear Loser in the Garden,

There are three ways to tell a weed from a wanted plant.

 #1. If it collapses in the lightest evening breeze, despite being only 1.5” tall and it is protected by a berm, it is a desired plant.
If it can withstand hurricane winds for days on end without even losing a leaf, it is a weed!

 #2. If the slightest disruption of its roots system, say running a hand rake within four inches of the 1.5” plant, causes it to die instantly, it is one of your most prized plants.
If leaving 4 molecules of root in the ground after digging the plant out causes it to shoot out 24, two foot plants by morning, it’s a weed, but learn to love it, cause it ain’t going away.

 #3. If a deer in the yard walk past the plant and covers his nose in disgust, it is just another weed.
If there is a queue of deer lined up around the house and up into the woods waiting for a chance to nibble on the plant, it is a good plant, one you would dearly love if it weren’t for the deer!
(Did you catch my play on words!)

Whatever,

 The Gardening Guru

I await your questions!