Saint Bernards in Pre-Historic Times.

We are all abundantly aware of the pivotal role that St. Bernards have played in the history of Switzerland, but scientists are just beginning to piece together the importance the great beasts held for the pre-historic residents of the Alps.

Few facts are known. I'll give you the highlights.

On April 12, 6413BC, Glog, his wife Ooga and their children Bruno and Heidi were enjoying a spring ski outing near the Suisse-Néanderthal community of Gstaadt. It was their last run of the day when Bruno and Heidi found two adorable puppies playing in the snow. Being average teens, Bruno and Heidi begged their parents to let them keep the little bundles of joy. They promised to feed them and groom them; play with them and clean up after them.

Ooga was adamantly opposed to the idea, but Glog thought it would be really cool. He was enthralled by the idea of being remembered as the man who domesticated the wild dogs of the mountains. (Actually, for a few years after that time, they were known as the wild glogs of the mountains, but poor penmanship eventually changed "glog" to "dog".)

Ooga was outvoted 3 to 1. The delightful balls of fur came home with the family. The puppies were named Berr and Nard. (Suisse-Néanderthalese words that translate to “Cutest Animal on Earth” and “Absolutely Adorable Little Critter”.)

Historians had always believed that Glog, Ooga, Bruno, Heidi, Berr and Nard lived happily ever after. All known evidence supported that supposition.

Glog’s blog entries from the time always spoke of the warmth the great dogs supplied during the long cold winters and their gentle disposition. The handful of Heidi’s text-messages that have survived the millennia speak of loving, kind animals. And of course, Bruno’s claim to fame is his immortal painting on velvet named “Dogs Playing Poker”. In fact, every piece of literature and each art object that has survived from the Suisse-Néanderthal period is a homily to the great dogs Berr and Nard and their descendents.

But a discovery last week has rocked the scientific community and their understanding of the Suisse-Néanderthal era. An amateur historian found an entry from Ooga’s journal.

“April 12, 6412BC

Dear Diary,

Glog is off hunting and gathering. He’s been gone for weeks. Sometimes I miss him. (But not very often – LOL!!) Bruno is out playing a pick-up game of basketball with his buddies from middle school and Heidi is with her friends at the mall. I am alone with the monsters.

It was one year ago today that Berr and Nard came to live with us. How I rue the day. They drool constantly. I am so tired of cleaning the slobber off the walls and ceiling. And the mud they track in the house! Oy vay! What is a person to do? And the messes in the yard! Solid waste disposal has become a major issue for our household.

But it is the fur I hate the most. Everywere… everywhere. Glog said I should spin it into yarn and use it in my crafts. So I tried it. I crocheted a slip cover for Iceland. But did I get any thanks? No! Just a snotty note from the mayor of Reykjavik saying that it was the wrong color and it smelled bad.

And now Nard is pregnant. More little mouths to feed and clean up after. I swear I will go stark-raving mad.”

It was the last entry Ooga ever made in her diary. She seems to have slipped into oblivion, but for one cryptic entry in the log at the Suisse-Néanderthal Assylum for the Hopelessly Insane.

“April 13, 6412BC

Odd woman was committed today. She doesn’t know her name. All she says is ‘Damn Berr, Damn Nard, Damn glogs.’ We don’t know what it means.”