Tips for looking your best.

I read an article yesterday about 15 things that men can do to halt the aging process and look younger, longer. It was ludicrous piece of journalism, regurgitating the same worn out advice, like eating a well balanced diet, exercising regularly, not smoking, drinking in moderation, avoiding the sun… you know, stuff that all those “health” gurus have been droning on and on about for decades.

Phooey on them.

I have my own five rules to looking younger.

#1. Avoid not only the sun, but all bright lights. Let’s be brazenly honest: men of a certain age look their best in a pitch black room. The quality of image fades as the intensity of light increases. Anything brighter than a candle at fifty paces is a detriment to the appearance of the vast majority of mature men. It may seem cruel, but life often is less than benevolent.

#2. It doesn’t really matter what you eat. More important is who you eat with. Eat with people who look older and significantly more grizzled than you do. Frankly, I look better eating a Mickey D lunch with some old geezer from the home than I do eating a salad with my co-workers. It is simple parameter of fact: comparative youth.

#3. Don’t smoke. This has little to do with the health affects of tobacco, this has more to do with rule #1. Cigarettes give off light. They must be avoided in public spaces.

#4. Exercise is overrated to the point of exhaustion. Think about it for a moment. You exercise, you sweat. Your clothes start to cling to your body. Every roll of fat is accentuated; every wrinkle shines. And that makes you look younger? I don’t think so. Better than exercise is to wear loose, non-descript clothing that covers the vast majority of your body. I’m thinking about getting myself a man-burqa.

#5. Feel free to drink as much as you desire, but remember that the key to successfully looking younger and healthier is to make sure that everyone around you is totally polluted. Folks, I look ravishing after you’ve had about a dozen cocktails, your eyes have crossed and your forehead is resting on the table. That is my finest hour.