I read the note when I got home from work.

Mac,
The coffee maker died this morning – I made the second pot of coffee and it worked fine, but about ½ hour late I noticed that both switch lights were out…

It was signed by Richard.

I could tell by the tear marks on the paper, that he had been distraught. If you don’t drink copious amounts of coffee on a daily basis, you may not understand the close relationship that you can develop with your coffee maker. He becomes your confidant, your best friend and often your life saver. Frankly, you would give your life for him.

So, I’m sure you understand that it has been a very solemn day around the Parker-Cornelison household. But don’t worry, we will be fine. We have a back-up.

Why do I enjoy a beverage or two?

Go grab a beer and join me in toasting 10 reasons to drink. (Okay, maybe 9, the woman on the top right isn't quite as scary as she is suppose to be, but that is speaking in comparative terms.)

The lilacs are going to put on quite a show this year!

Actually, I was thinking about doing a post where I whined and complained about how cold and rainy of a spring we have had, then I read a news article about Joplin, Missouri and remembered Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Pissing and moaning about some minor discomforts would be totally inappropriate.

Designed by Saints

No really, it is based on the dogs paths, with emphasis on the holes they dig.

It's nearing completion!

The Rapture - Part II

Umm... I should ask... is there anyone else still around for the sib call tomorrow? Or am I just gonna be chatting alone?

The rapture

I seem to be left behind.

Quelle surprise!

Aging with grace and panache.

I know little about grace and even less about panache. But they are both very pleasant terms. Aging isn’t. So, to obtain some pertinent information and to prove my total hipness, I will Google the phrase.

(Note to readers: Panache is not a combination of Ganache and Panoche. I state this in advance to keep you from the horrible disappointment I experienced. Panache is not an amazing sweet.)

Whoa, now ain’t that interesting. Apparently, aging with grace and panache is not a possibility. It seems that the term ‘Aging with Grace and Panache’, is a hyperbolic expression made popular in the 1980’s by the Gray Liberation Society of Some of the Americas and Alaska. They knew it was a lie.

Undaunted, although somewhat depressed, I will Google, “Aging with grace”.

Some hits:

“Do you know someone who’s moving into a phase of life where their physical and mental capabilities are declining or are you overwhelmed with the thought of placing a loved one in an eldercare facility?”

“Most people suffer some niggling physical problems as they age, and often some serious illnesses as well. But many older adults also suffer some social and psychological problems. Some mental illnesses do have a genetic and hereditary component. On top of this, there are social and cultural differences on how people meet the challenges of aging.”

“What’s another way of saying old? Mature. Yes. Wisdom of years. Yeah, that too. Many winters. Yeah, all that, but I’m looking for something else that’s strongly correlated with looking down at the young ones.”

Okay, frankly I’m not liking this. I was really hoping for something a little more positive than “niggling physical problems” and “many winters”. (Although “looking down at the young ones” does hit a ‘win’ button or two for me.)

I work in the hospitality industry. For years, the industry has had a very forward-thinking retirement policy. Put succinctly, thirty years in the industry and you go stark-raving mad and the state takes care of you. Unfortunately, Oregon, following the lead of many states, has opted to discontinue its care of crazy old men. This really leaves me out in the cold.

Literally.

From my early years in Hood River, at least I know where to move to hang out with the aging homeless (by the railroad tracks, on the west side of the bridge that crosses over the Hood River.) It is really a quite beautiful neighborhood, complete with tarps and tents and desperate people. I’ll fit in nicely.

But there must be another solution. I do have a 401K. And as long as inflation doesn’t kick in, Richard and I could, theoretically, last a good three or four months before we find ourselves on the streets with nothing to our names but a few bitter, needy animals. I’m not sure Max will deal well with homelessness. And I’m sure Trixie will find many things wrong with the situation. This could be very unattractive.

So, I can’t age with grace and panache, and aging with just grace seems a tad brutal. And my retirement plan is pretty much one of desperation. Perhaps it is time I thought about fighting the aging process with all the grace and panache I have. Okay, I have no grace, and frankly I had to Google the definition of “panache”. The definition was “verve”. Back to Google. Okay, energy and enthusiasm. Wow, I’m totally up the creek with no paddle. Getting old is as much fun as, to quote the French, “Sommeil avec des larves”. I’m loving it.

What to do, what to do? I could fight with cosmetic surgery. Excuse me, a scalpel. I don’t think so. I’ve seen Richard and Wayno and Mom and Dad do way too many surgical procedures for me to step in to one without a critical, desperate need. Okay, I understand I am kind of arguing with myself (define critical and desperate), but I would rather find myself getting mail at General Delivery, Hood River, than have some of those ridiculous procedures.

Okay, cut the surgery stuff and let’s just go with cosmetics. I just Googled, and there is foundation and base and blush and … well,I am way too old to learn this stuff. It is way too complicated. Okay, how about stucco? During summer, just a coat early on and it would last for a few months, winter I would have to recoat fairly often. But I’m liking this. Slap on a coat of paint to match the day. I want a tan; easy as pie. Like to look like I’ve been working hard, let’s go with semi-gloss. Want people to think I’ve just come back from a ride in the mountains, gloss with a red tint. This is so easy. Don’t know exactly how it will work with the stache and beard, but I’m sure I can work it out.

No I can’t.

The crevasses on my face are there to stay. I am no longer the young man I remember. I am no longer a desirable treat in the gay community. I am over the hill.

But, somehow, day after day, I continue.

Discovering the Columbia River.

On May 11th, or 12th or 20th or… well it depends on which reliable source you check… 1792, just a few decades of centuries after the indigenous population discovered the Columbia River, and only 17 year after Heceta explored the mouth of the mighty river, Robert Gray 'discovered' the Columbia River. He was on one of the Viking Cruise Lines first trips: back before they had cabins for sleeping. It was pre-historic. He was the only person on the boat who could write. He got to tell early history of the Columbia in his own way.

The first night was spent at the Fur Bonnet Motel in Astoria. His blog entry for the dates mentioned run-down furnishings and a lack of attention to details by the staff, but if he ever passed through here again, ‘he would consider staying there again’. He wasn’t appalled, but neither was he impressed. The captain steered his boat up the river and spent the second night at the Wendy’s Wild West Emporium and Motel in Gresham. Trust me; you don’t want to know what he blogged about on that stay. Let’s just to suffice it to say the motel has long ago closed. His criticism was devastating.

The ship headed farther inland, spending the third night at a riverside hotel in Hood River. The dude had a great night at a reasonable price, but do you think he would mention that on his blog?

Asshole!

From the White Bear Enquirer

Apocalyptic Headlines in Error.

In an earlier edition of the Enquirer, we reported that the end of the world was near. Despite the terrifyingly bright lights, the loud noises and garish atmosphere, it was not Armageddon we were witnessing. We erroneously jumped to an unfortunate conclusion that proved to be incorrect.



It was just a birthday party.

Umm… Happy Birthday, Peggy Jane!!!

Stolen From the Onion

Budget Mix-Up Provides Nation's Schools With Enough Money To Properly Educate Students


WASHINGTON—According to bewildered and contrite legislators, a major budgetary mix-up this week inadvertently provided the nation's public schools with enough funding and resources to properly educate students.

Sources in the Congressional Budget Office reported that as a result of a clerical error, $80 billion earmarked for national defense was accidentally sent to the Department of Education, furnishing schools with the necessary funds to buy new textbooks, offer more academic resources, hire better teachers, promote student achievement, and foster educational excellence—an oversight that apologetic officials called a "huge mistake."

"Obviously, we did not intend for this to happen, and we are doing everything in our power to right the situation and discipline whoever is responsible," said House Budget Committee chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI), expressing remorse for the error. "I want to apologize to the American people. The last thing we wanted was for schools to upgrade their technology and lower student-to-teacher ratios in hopes of raising a generation of well-educated, ambitious, and skilled young Americans."

"That's the type of irresponsible misspending that I've been focused on eliminating for my entire political career," Ryan added.

Ryan went on to tell reporters that the $80 billion budget slip-up will "unfortunately" help schools nationwide to supply students with modernized classrooms and instructional materials. Struggling to control his frustration, Ryan said he prayed the costly mistake would not allow millions of American students to graduate with strong language skills.

Jeff Sessions (R-AL), ranking minority member of the Senate Budget Committee, called for a full investigation into how the nation's schools were able to secure the necessary funds to monitor teachers and pay salaries based on performance.
"The fact that this careless mistake also ended up financing new teacher training programs, allowing educators to become more than just glorified babysitters, is disgraceful," Sessions said. "Now we are left with a situation where schools can attract talented professionals who really want to teach our children, which will in turn create smarter and more motivated students who wish to one day make a contribution to society."

"In all my years in government I have never seen such a shameful error," Sessions added. "Our appropriations process has gone horribly awry, and I for one demand to know how it happened."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) echoed congressional leaders and vowed to do "everything in [his] power" to resolve the costly error that led to schools updating their curriculums to emphasize math, science, and language arts, and provided students with instruction on how to use newly purchased computers to aid their research.

"Once these kids learn to read and think critically, you can never undo that," Boehner said. "In 20 years, we could be looking at a nightmare scenario in which vast segments of our populace are fully prepared to compete in the new global marketplace."

"It could take a whole generation to cancel out the effects of this," Boehner added.

Congressional leaders also stressed that providing the nation's students with an adequate education that prepared them for college or supplied them with a solid grasp of basic knowledge could also have a devastating impact on the economy by creating a new class of citizens uninterested in settling for fast food meals and useless plastic knickknacks.

"And politicians will be adversely affected as well," Boehner said. "What will our nation do if the next generation knows that all we care about is our own selfish interests and pandering to the wealthy elite? Is that the future you want? Not me.”

It was long ago and far away.

A poem I wrote in another time and space.

I’ll Never Be a King

Dedicated to Juanita McCracken Cornelison

You brought me into the world
Had the time and patience
And the strength to bear the pain
You fondled and cuddled a useless child
And dreamed on day he’d be a king.
With every diaper you washed
And every bottle you cleaned
You somehow felt your diligence would be rewarded
By the growth of a human being.

Through the traumas of early childhood
The first days of school
The cuts and bruises
Scrapes and burns
You stood undaunted
And picked me up when I fell
For your heart told you
One day that child will be a man
Out in the world
Earning bread and butter
Supporting a family of his own.

The horrors of adolescence
The first date and senior prom
Were as big to you as they were to me
And the pains were just as real
As though the name callers
Were shouting at you, too.

Through eighteen years you’ve been b y my side
With all the composure of a queen
With care and understanding
And with all the joys and all the pains.

I know your dreams
But I’ll never be a king
And probably
There’ll never be a Mrs.
Or little kids to carry on the family name
I know what it is you’re going through
For my dreams have faltered, too
I know only too vivid
The pains of a dying mural
Painted over the real to be

But you see
Though I’ll never be a king,
You’ll always be a queen
For there’s no one more beautiful
Ore deserving of a crown
Than the woman who raised this child.
And I’m sorry for all the pains,
And I’m sorry for the diapers, too
But I’ve got to find out where I’m going
And what its going to lead me to.

If my friends seem a bit brash
Or blatant in their way
Its not that they’re cruel
Or out to change the world
It’s just that they’ve seen their better days
For a city takes a lot out of a Person
Takes the youth, your innocence and even your soul.
And I’d give anything to be a baby cradled in your arms
But, here I am
And I’ve got to face the world

Though its not the life you planned for me
Out on my own without a wife
In fairness to all
It’s the life I’ll lead
But, Mama, I love you still.

I miss you, Mom!

The appropriate beverage for a happy Ocho de Mayo!

The Mamacita

1.5 oz Rum
.5 oz Passoa
.5 oz Cointreau
Guava syrup
1 Marachino cherry
1 chunk pineapple

In a hurricane glass with ice add malibu rum, passoa, and cointreau. Fill the balance with guava syrup and shake well. Garnish with a maraschino cherry and pineapple.

And a Happy Mother's Day to all you mamacitas and non-mamacitas.

Happy Seis de Mayo!

Why look! It's a herd of margaritas and they're calling my name!

Happy Cinco de Mayo

Somewhere, there is a Margarita with your name on it! Go out and find it!

Quick, everyone…

… go check the expiration date on your cheese!

May 2nd, 1885

Good Housekeeping Magazine is first published. (I read that on the internet. I wasn't actually there when it happened.)

In honor of this auspicious anniversary, I cleaned the house. Well, I thought about cleaning the house. It was a very unpleasant couple of minutes. Thank goodnesss the urge passed.

But now I am exhausted!

I'm thinking this could be our next sib trip!

May Day! May Day!

Large, unidentified yellow object seen in the sky.

Terror reigns in the Upper Valley, albeit a warm, fuzzy terror!