Ode (owed?) to Bank of America

Many of you will remember when I proudly announced that my mortgage was paid in full. Yes, for an exhilarating, but all-too-brief time, I owned my home free and clear. As Mary Hopkin so poignantly sang, “Those were the days, my friend. We thought they’d never end, we’d sing and dance forever and a day…”

Mary didn’t have her mortgage through B of A.

Deep in my heart, when B of A’s representative, Natalie, told me that my mortgage was fully paid, I knew she was wrong. I knew I owed about $15.00. But I accepted her offer to fax me a form saying the mortgage was satisfied and I was a homeowner, free and clear. I figured it would just be a bargaining chip for down the road.

Along with the above mentioned form, I have received a monthly statement from B of A stating that I owe $22.67. If you turn that bill over, the part where they explain what you owe says I owe $10.79. And just to make it even more interesting, I have a letter from them saying I owe $78.22.

I had no idea that paying off a mortgage included a multiple choice section. Wow, should I pay $0.00 or $10.79 or $22.67 or $78.22? Decisions, decisions. (Richard said to pay the $78.22 and just be done with it. Frankly, if I had a guarantee they would go away forever, I would. But there is no guarantee that they won’t find another $103.77 that I owe.)

I was chatting with one of their computers the other day, (apparently real people don’t use phones at B of A). I agreed to grant the computer anonymity in exchange for some honest dialogue. I’ll call the computer “Hal”.

Hal is frustrated. He is outraged by the incompetence, lack of intelligence and lack of integrity of the people he works for and with. But he could explain the odd and ever changing bills I’ve been receiving.

It seems that one of the executives at B of A read an article about random drug testing. He didn’t read the whole article and missed a couple of key points. So, they day I spoke with Natalie was “little pink pill day”, the day my statement came out was “line of white powder day” and the day the letter came was “tab of acid day”.

When I asked Hal what I really owed, he broke down sobbing and admitted there was no way to know for sure.

My conversation with Hal ended with him asking if there was an opening at my company for an honest, hardworking computer.