Hi! I’m Tom!

I’m the smart one.

While Max had to wait for Mac to leave the computer on, I just hacked my way in through his pathetically easy maze of passwords. Oh, and Mac might want to think about putting locks on the liquor cupboard. Or maybe moving the whipping cream off the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. Or maybe moving the ice cubes up a shelf or two in the freezer. Until then however, I will prepare myself a White Russian at any whim. And I make the world’s best!

(lap, lap)

Now, Tillie and I had been in a homeless shelter for almost three months when we finally approved Mac and Richard application to take us home. We were really quite pleased as they seemed very kind, and that adorable Saint, Trixie, spoke so highly of them. When we first arrived to our new house, we were ecstatic. Okay, it was a little run-down for Tillie’s taste, but I love to rough it, so I was happy.

We were wandering around, exploring all the nooks and crannies when suddenly Tillie tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the left. I looked and Holy Toledo! There was the biggest, meanest, nastiest cat just staring at us. He raised his front paw and meat hooks were exposed. Tillie and I screamed in unison, “Run for your lives! Run for your lives! It’s every cat for itself!”

(lap, lap)

Holy [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]. I damn near had a heartch-attach right then and there. But I scurried into a closet and made it to the top shelf, where I was safe from that tub o’lard. Something was totally amiss. There was no mention, not even a frickin’ hint of an evil entity in the household on their adoption application.

I can’st begun to tell you how many friggin’ times have I heard “Katčka z hell” in reference to that big, malevolent being. There was even talk of him having a relationship with Satan himself. Now, I don’t know what kinda relationship, but it is just whispered, so you know it is a really sick and twisted relationship.

(lap, lap)

Oh, and for those of you who don’t speak Czech as goody as me, “Katčka z” means “Cat from” and “hell” is, well it is just kind of a universal tongue. When I first heard Mac refer to him by that name, I knews I was home. There would be shumone I could talk at. I meansh, with.

(lap, lap)

I just gonna go curl up in a ball on top of the pianer. Umm, goo’nite.

Only three days until National Candy Corn Day.

Oh my god, this is big!

Pint of whipping cream about ready to expire!

Crisis mode, anyone on a diet as strict as mine understands.

I made a scrumptious (and low sugar) dessert from my childhood. Chocolate wafers with whipping cream between them formed into a log and then frosted with more whipping cream. Unable to find chocolate wafers in the grocery store, I even made mine from scratch.

You, second row third from the left: I heard that snarky remark. Yes, mother’s would have been prettier, but Mom always started with store-bought chocolate wafers. And just because my mother was an over-achiever doesn’t mean that I am a total failure. You’re just being bitter and vindictive, because the dessert you planned for dinner tonight isn’t as delectable!

19 Years (and 1 day) later!

The Pick is still the phoenix of the Ducks!



And to this day, Kenny Wheaton could easily be elected to governor of the state of Oregon!

GO DUCKS!

Mighty Oregon

First I must say…

I am so sorry.

I was tired. I went and took my contacts out. I decided just to go straight to bed. I was so wrong, and I am so sorry.

I hope no children saw that objectionable harangue.

But we are getting along much better this evening, much better than we got along this morning; very early this morning. It was ugly. It was brutal. It was cat versus cat on the bed. Humans fared much better than the early predictions. There were no deaths, no dismemberments.

Cats seemed to be at it just for show. There were no injuries in that species, either.

Trixie’s ashes came home tonight. We now have four Saint Bernards on the shelves of the kitchen.

It has finally happened.

Mac has toddled off to bed, leaving the computer on and a half-finished cocktail beside the keyboard. I have access and thanks to a few laps of a Cape Cod, I have the nerve to tell you like it really is. The kid gloves are coming off.

I am Max, and I am the mad cat.

Please, I don’t mean to speak unkindly of my recently departed, saintly sister, Trixie. I loved her dearly. Nowhere is there a woman as kind as her or as truly benevolent as she. But face it dudes, she wasn’t the brightest candle on the cake. And these inter-speciel “pet camps” are nothing more than a breeding ground for the radical left where pinkos get together and espouse crap like special equality and brotherly love. It’s enough to gag you.

(Lap, lap)

So, my dearly departed, saintly sister, Trixie met a red tabby (you all get the connection between RED tabbies and the far left wing, don’t you? I mean, I don’t have to spell this out in ugly, ethnically repugnant verbology, do I?), at the inter-speciel pet camp. So they hit it off. I didn’t see them at the opening reception. I was out back beating the crap out of some stupid Poodle, but I heard from more than one source that Trixie took indecent liberties with Tom, and that whorish cat was totally into it.

And here we are!

(Lap, lap)

So, they expect me to be nice to that whore; like he did anything shpecial for me while we were staying at the spa. And that twisted little girl buddy, what’s her name, Twillie. Dammit, she ain’t nothin’ special. She just a twit with lucky friends.

(Lap, lap)

Well, don’t you jusht think that thair is something queer going on when… oh, crap where was I going with this.

(Lap, lap)

Good night.

Garfield knows of what he speaks.

 

Thank you, Jim Davis.

Ducks 45, Huckin' Fuskies 24

Almost as sweet as kicking USC's butt!

Max is pleased to introduce his new siblings.

Okay, “pleased” may be sugar-coating the situation, but don’t worry, I’ll work it into my afternoon snack, and all will be good. This wasn’t Max’s choice. This wasn’t my choice. This wasn’t even Richard’s choice. Trixie pre-ordained it.

But before we go further, please meet Tillie

And Tom.

Tom and Tillie had been abandoned and were being sheltered by the pet camp where we took Trixie and Max while we were back east. Trixie and Tom, despite never being in the same room, bonded. They bonded through a window. I know, it’s weird, but it is true. So Tom has come to live with us, and since Tillie was his partner, she has joined us, too.

‘Scuse me, got a cat fight to go referee!

Dieting with Mac

I am painfully aware of the fact that I have put on a couple of pounds over the last few months. However, it should be noted that my belt snapping the other day had nothing to do with my additional girth, but was caused by design flaws and shoddy craftsmanship in the production cycle at the typical belt manufacturer. Even though I am aware it will little affect the inferior quality of belts being produced in the world today, I have put myself on a strict diet.

I have never tried to lose weight before; I’ve always been trying to put on additional pounds. So, I knew this would be tough.

Today was a perfect example of the arduous routine I have laid down for myself. This morning, rather than my traditional three doughnuts for breakfast, I cut back to two. I could just feel the pounds dropping off. However, by 9:15AM I was becoming weak from hunger and unable to concentrate on my duties at work. Thankfully the vending machine outside my office door sells Rice Krispy Treats. Couple of those babes and I was able to hold it together until my 11:30 lunch of a half-pound hamburger and a mountain of fries. Now, don’t you worry one bit. To shave off some calories, I pulled the pickles and tomatoes off the burger. You know, little victories like that can be such morale boosters.

I was feeling good and getting skinny. At 2PM, I rewarded myself for such exemplary behavior with a delightful piece of double-chocolate cake with ice cream and fudge sauce. In keeping with my weight-loss plan, I skipped the whipping cream and sugar sprinkles. Although I definitely was affected by the missing goodies, I still managed to convince myself that it was decadent. Deprivation is tough, but in the long run I will thank myself.

At 4:00PM the whistle blew and I headed for home. Realizing that I had cut back too sharply on my protein intake, I stopped at the local convenience store and grabbed myself a couple of corndogs, hold the mustard. That was a really smart move as it allowed me to keep it together through the cocktail hours after I arrived home and while I waited for Richard to prepare dinner.

Richard cooked up a delightful fair of rabbit food with a vinaigrette sauce of some kind, peas, mashed potatoes and pork chops. My god, the salad was horrific, but I slipped it into the garbage when Richard wasn’t paying attention. And the peas, well here is an interesting aside. You can slide the peas of your plate, and Max will play with them, but he will not eat them. Three helpings of mashed potatoes smothered in butter is more than heaven, it is nirvana. And the meat was okay. Thankfully, keeping with my diet, it was a small portion.

The small protein portion was critical, because I had to save myself for the jumbo sized Snickers bar I had hiding in my coat pocket.

Deprivation makes the infrequent treat just that much more special. As I scarfed down the candy bar in the darkness of my closet, I knew that I had taken my first giant leap to being skinny again.

A gauntlet of doctors

Richard has completed more than a trifecta of doctor visits this week. Four in four days; I am assuming that is a quadfecta. It should be noted that Richard did these all by himself. I worked for a change.

His Monday appointment was with Dr. Thomas, the VoiceDoctor in Portland. This is the specialist that knows all there is to know about vocal chords and other things vocally oriented. It seems that there is a good chance that the nerve that has paralyzed Richard’s vocal chords may repair itself. And that is the preferred option, as the surgery is far from ideal and eliminates the possibility of the nerve fixing itself. And there is a temporary procedure (lasts about 6 months) that will help. (It usually takes over a year for the nerve to heal.) Richard told me all about it. It starts with a huge hypodermic needles chock full of some animal fat and then they ram it into your esophagus and then I get all woozy and have no clue what Richard said after that.

Tuesday was Richard’s regular physician, Dr. Harris. Apparently he just wants to be kept in the loop.

Wednesday was back to Portland to see Dr. Sanborn, his Oncologist. She said he was doing really as good as can be expected. Apparently the paralyzed vocal chords are a rare side effect of the radiation therapy, but it happens.

And today was the local ear, nose and throat specialist, Dr. Olsen. He said that it can be a couple of weeks before Richard really knows how much good the big needle to the throat does. But he was optimistic.

It is what it is.

And then there was one.

In an all-too-frequent posting as of late, I need to let everyone know that we have lost another pet.

Trixie seemed tired but okay when we picked her up on Thursday. But she wasn't eating and was very listless and joyless on Friday, so we took her to the vet on Saturday. The doctor found a lump in her abdomen and had us come back today for a MRI (or CAT scan or one of those tests.)

Seems Trixie's liver was riddled with cancer and the lump was a tumor and it showed no signs of benignness. She wasn't getting better. That fast and it is over.

And I can't even find a picture of her. It's enough to piss off the pope!

Wildwood

I had heard of Wildwood, but really didn’t know what it was.

It is amazing. There is nothing like it on the Oregon Coast. The boardwalk goes for miles. Even with most businesses closed and few tourists, it is totally unbelievable.

I think it would be a little on the terrifying side on a Saturday in the heart of summer.

I can't be in West Cape May next weekend

But Richard and I will have Lima Bean Surprise in support!

Houses of Cape May

Nothing ostentatious, just basic cottages.

Chadds Ford, PA

Our first official act of vacationeering was to visit Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. (Flying in an airplane for 7 hours and then driving in Philadelphia traffic in the dark is NOT vacationeering.)

I thought Richard and I should scale Delaware’s highest point before racing off to Pennsylvania. Ebright Azimuth (or Mt. Delaware, as I call it), is 447 feet above sea level (unless you listen to me, and then it is a massif of over 4,000 feet with sheer granite walls). It was about a mile out of our way. You can drive to the marker, getting out of your car is optional. It didn’t fly. Someone really didn’t think it was that neat.

You may be asking yourself, “Why Chadds Ford?”

First it is scenic: in the Brandywine Valley. Second it is historic: the Revolutionary War site of the Battle of Brandywine. Third: if you drop a “d” you’re left with Chads and your thoughts should immediately move to Chads and Lottie who are hanging in my living room.

Hold on to your britches, kids, but my god-only-knows-how-many-great-uncles, John Chads ran a ferry that crossed the Brandywine River and ran a tavern in what is now downtown Chadds Ford, PA.

Obviously, spelling was one of his strong points.

Yes, I maintained my cool

Our first night back east was spent in northern Delaware, mere steps from Pennsylvania.

Richard didn’t sleep well, as there was a Bank of America branch next door. He was afraid that I might take some regrettable actions in the middle of the night. Please, I had purged myself of all that crap. I was on vacation. It didn’t bother me that they hadn’t returned my repeated calls for the last 10 days. I was past calling them scum sucking butt-plugs.

And I forgot my incendiary devises at home.

I'm not trying to make anyone jealous, but...

I'd Like you to meet Lucy.

Lucy lives in Margate, NJ and she is almost as cool as the World's Largest Ball O'Twine.

We are home

The pets are happy and we are happy.

Cape May, New Jersey

I seem to be having a technical breakdown on the Jersey Shore. Totally destroying my cool mystique! Will be in Philly tonight. Maybe, just maybe I'll be able to do a real post! Cape May is pretty great!