Notes on daytime TV

It’s not bad enough that I had to have major surgery, but now I am also free daytimes, while most everyone I know is at work. I get lonely. I err. I turn on the TV. The quality of viewing options is amazing.

Take Jerry Springer. Everyone on that show is currently in a sexual relationship of some kind, with someone that they shouldn’t be. And after everyone has admitted to their extra-curriculum affair, they all get involved in a mighty rumble to see who is the absolute stupidest. Sex and violence in the same hour… be still my heart!

Then there is “The Young and the Restless”, or as Wayno used to say, “The Hung and the Breastless.” Occasionally they will throw in a stray murder or medical emergency to spice up the show, but it is really nothing more than a cast of people having sex with people they shouldn’t have sex with.

And let us not forget the infomercial for the Amazing Moveable Cooktop Thingy, that brazes and bakes and cooks and steams and sautées and damn near everything else that can be done to food-type stuff. All you have to do is program the puppy (the programming procedure is currently part of the entrance exam to Cal Tech), and presto, you’ve got the time required to have sex with someone that it is totally inappropriate to have sex with and dinner will be ready when you are done.

Or you can just switch over to the sports channel and watch the 1997 National Collegiate Badmitton championship’s first round game between a couple of college teams you’ve never heard of before. And you can tell by the looks on the competitors faces that they wish they were having the inappropriate sex that everyone is having on the other channels.

Daytime TV sucks the big one. There, I said it. I have purged my soul.