Pearl of wisdom: never get so ill as to need your insurance benefits.

What I wrote:

Dear [Insurance Company Agent],

Hope you day is going well.

I have received the audit that you ordered, which led me to realize that the reason I hadn't been reimbursed for all my mileage days was that you guys hadn't gotten all the information from the hospital/clinic. I requested that the hospital send the information directly to [Insurance Company], as I was going to be on vacation and didn't want a delay.

I received a check from [Insurance Company] today covering two weeks of chemotherapy and one week of radiation. I have now been paid for 5 weeks or radiation. It should be noted that I only had 3 or 4 weeks of radiation, depending on your definition. The last day, August 4, 2014, I went in for chemo, but was not well enough to receive it. I would understand the argument that I not be paid when I didn't receive it, and I haven't been paid for that week, however I was paid for July 17th and July 20th, neither of which is in a week that I had chemo. 

I have only been paid for 2 of 6 weeks of radiation. I assume that the hospital still didn't send the correct paperwork. Is there something special I should tell the hospital?

And transportation, which started this whole sordid affair: I still haven't been paid for my maximum. I assume, in part that this is due to the hospital not sending the correct information, but of the days I haven't received benefits, three of them (July 10, 17 and 31) are days that [Insurance Company] paid me benefits for chemotherapy or radiation. 

I am confused. Can you help?

Mac Cornelison

Policy number: [Policy Number].

What I wanted to write:

My dearest buttplug,

Thank you so much for ordering the audit of my long delayed benefits. You can hope, but I ain't dying until I've sucked every penny possible out of you! So what if part of it was my responsibility? I was on drugs and frankly, you should expect that. What is your excuse?

Once again, I requested that the effing hospital send you records. Apparently, they did!

I did receive a check from [Insurance Company] today, covering two weeks of chemo and one of radiation. It should be noted that I have now been paid by the bimbos in your claims department for five week of chemo and two of radiation. It is really fucking interesting as I only had 3 or 4 weeks of chemo, but 6 of radiation. WTF? (The three or four weeks ambivalence is due to my going in for chemo but unable to receive it, so does it count that I went in, or does your lame company only pay if I get it?)

And transportation, which started this whole sordid affair… there are days when I was specifically paid chemo or radiation benefits, but declined transportation. Do you think I took my fricking magic carpet in on those days.

Oh, and just so you know, I have sisters and I am not afraid to use them.

All my love,

Mac