Remotely Controlling our World

Meet our remotes.
Q – The old TV’s remote. (It will go with its partner to Goodwill soon.)
#2 – Looks familiar, but I can’t say for sure where it came from.
“Ferd” – DVR/VCR Remote.
RT7 – Long ago and far away, in a universe not unlike our own, there was a really expensive TV that lasted about 3 days longer than its warrantee. RT7 was crushed by the loss of its companion. We couldn’t have it destroyed.
C – The Satellite Remote.
A – The remote to our CD player. The CD player hasn’t worked in months, but we have hope for its recovery.
B – The Brand-Spanking New 32” LED/LCD HD Television Remote.
Of Unknown Origin – Name pretty much says it all.
R2D2 – Never seen him before in my life.
Unnamed remote on far left - The Universal Remote.

It looks like one big happy family, doesn’t it? Well, it is not. But we are slowly reaching mastery of our remote population. It is an arduous job, but I am confident that Richard and I shall rule supreme.

Remotes are meant to be our friends. They are meant to make our lives easier. They can do that if you know the proper protocol. And we are learning the protocol.

“And how do the remotes work?” you ask. Well, I am so glad that you solicited that titillating question. Scientifically, they perform their little miracles using an intricate and highly developed combination of geophysics, laser technology, psycho-analytical carbon-atom bending, whole wheat chaff and voodoo. (No chicken parts or virgin sacrifices are required.) But I’m sure you were wanting data on how to make them perform specific tasks, as opposed to a treatise on the theoretical theorem that govern their ability to do the things that they do do.

Let’s pretend that we want to watch TV. Well, that is easy as pie. All you need to do is pick up the Brand-Spanking New 32” LED/LCD HD Television remote and press the orange button with a totally nonsensical symbol on it. (It’s on the upper right had side of the remote.) And violà, a TV channel appears damn near instantaneously. [It is a miracle. You drop to your knees and count your blessings.] Or it doesn’t. The Brand-Spanking New 32” LED/LCD HD Television turns on, but you are staring at the company logo for your beloved satellite provider. Do not panic. Just pick up the satellite remote and press the “Select” button. (It’s near the center of the remote.) Now you can drop to your knees and praise the TV reception gods. Victory is yours!

But let’s play the devil’s advocate and pretend that the TV channel that is currently dancing across your screen is not the channel that you want to watch. Fortunately, you have options:

A. The first and easiest option is to learn to appreciate The Lawrence Welk Show and not bother trying to change the channel. I’ve used that option with moderate success. I fully admit to having developed a healthy respect for the talent and musical prowess of the performers. But even though The Lawrence Welk Show was a favorite of my parents and brings back some warm memories of them, I can’t say I’m really into it. So, that bring us to:

B. Let’s change the channel. While common sense would dictate that you select the Brand-Spanking New 32” LED/LCD HD Television remote to change the channel on the Brand-Spanking New 32” LED/LCD HD Television, common sense would be wrong. Common sense had no role and no place in the world of remote controls. If you were to pick up the Brand-Spanking New 32” LED/LCD HD Television remote in a vain attempt to change the channels on the Brand-Spanking New 32” LED/LCD HD Television, the combined mystical and mythical forces of the electronic entertainment world would snicker. And the snickering can be deafening. And they would say unkind things about your family tree. They are mean. In the remote world, it is the satellite remote that is the god of TV channels. Just don’t accidentally go to a channel that we aren’t ordained to receive, as that would cause a synapse in the grand scheme of the universe. It will cost your five to twenty minutes of your life, and possibly an entire plot line.

Ah, but life is good. You are watching your favorite show on the Brand-Spanking New 32” LED/LCD HD Television. Suddenly a cat begins to chatter, incessantly and loudly. What do you do? Once again, there are options.

A. You can jump up out of the Barco recliner, throw on your coat, jump in your car and run down to the local pest control center and pick up a can of “Cat-Be-Gone”. (I prefer the aerosol over the paste wax. It’s quicker and easier and doesn’t leave a yellowing build-up like the wax can.) Drive home and apply the “Cat-Be-Gone” around the Brand-Spanking New 32” LED/LCD HD Television and enjoy the rest of your show in a pleasant, quiet, cat-free existence.

B. A much longer and more trying alternative is to raise the volume using the remote(s). There are only four flipping remotes. How long can is possibly take to try all four them (three times each)? Why in the name of all that is sacred is there no volume control to the Brand-Spanking New 32” LED/LCD HD Television itself? Am I the only person in America that remembers going up to at TV unit, turning it on, selecting your channel, adjusting the volume and then sitting down with a bowl of popcorn? It was so simple in the good-old-days, and we were in much better shape. If we want to fight obesity, we should ban the remote. One trip to the TV every 30 minutes is all the exercise a normal, healthy person needs to fight the battle of the bulge. But I digress.

Perhaps I have alliterated on remote controls enough for one day. I feel my blood pressure spiking. Remind me at a calmer, more serene moment to tell you about all the hoops we have to jump through to watch a DVD. And there are no options involved.