Working the Garden: Memorial Day Weekend.

Thermal underwear: check.
Double socks: check.
Insulated boots: check.
Tee shirt and sweatshirt: check.
Stocking cap: check.
Parka: check.
Mittens: check.

For some reason, I have recollections of gardening being a warm weather activity. Must just be drug induced memories!

World MS Day

World MS Day is May 26th, 2010
Join the Global Movement. End MS!
Take action on World MS Day.
Think globally. Act locally.

My Horoscope for the Day!

“Your obsessive qualities are on display today -- and they make you look even better than usual! It's a good time for you to step up and see if you can get your colleagues to follow your lead.”

Perhaps I am a bit dense, but I really have no idea what it means. I’m not sure I appreciate the “obsessive qualities”, but I am happy they make me “look even better than usual!”

I do have this picture in my mind of leading my co-workers in a conga line through the hotel, but that may be a minor misinterpretation of the horoscope.

Party in Hood River!

Dear Alaska, Part II

It is now 8:45PM. You are five hours and forty-five minutes late in returning our warm weather. We are not pleased.

I don’t know if you are aware or not, but the Oregon National Guard has been working on a mini-nuclear device that they had planned on testing on the USC campus. Don’t make us change the test-site to downtown Anchorage. You suffer enough.

Just return our warm weather by Noon tomorrow and we’ll call it no harm; no foul.

After that, I can’t vouch for your safety.

Do it for the children.

Dear Alaska

Right now, it is warmer in Anchorage, Alaska than it is in Hood River, Oregon.

I do not mean to disparage the fine residents of Alaska who gave us that beloved whack-job, Sarah Palin, but I think I speak for all Oregonians when I say, “Give us back the warm weather you stole from us, you Fahrenheit nabbing freaks!”

Thank you. We’ll expect delivery by 3:00PM.

Happy Harvey Milk Day!

I think it is only official in California, but we can all party!

A Question of Procedure.

It is conventional wisdom in the Hood River Valley that you don’t plant your garden until after the snows leave Mt. Defiance.

It snowed on Mt. Defiance last night.

Does that mean I should de-plant A.G. and Patti La and bring them inside?

The Bells

A. G. and Patti La in their happy spot.

Meet the Bells

A(lexander) G(raham) and Patti La.

Stop groaning; this is funny stuff.

So, I am out at the local nursery, buying plants to make the garden look something like a garden. There are so damn many plants to choose from it can be quite overwhelming. Richard is very removed from the garden, so I thought if I got tomatoes, it might draw him closer. I decided on two cherry tomatoes and two heirloom slicing tomatoes. (Authors note: Good News Gardening in Hood River, OR has over 6 billion different varieties of heirloom slicing tomatoes. Do not try to make a rational decision; just grab and run.) I was checking out the cherry tomatoes, knowing better than to pay attention to varieties, just going for the healthy plants. There were two alone on a flat. They looked healthy. I put them in my little box.

Next thing I know, some snarly woman is in my face. “Are you gonna take the last two of those? Cause them there were s’pose to be mine.”

I admit, I was taken aback, but I stood my ground. “Yes, I do plan to purchase these.”

“Well, fine! Take the last red sweet peppers out of my baby’s mouth. I hope you’re proud of yourself.”

Okay, I look down into my box. Damn, they’re not even cherry tomatoes. But the woman is such a snag. I keep them.

A.G. and Patti La are in a better place.

Great News!

I just won some lottery out of Rotterdam. Damn, I love Nederlands!

I have won €450,000.00. This is going to be so great for Richard and my vacation to France this summer. This is totally amazing. It is too fricking good to be true.

All I had to do was send in everyone I know’s name, address, social security number and any known credit card number. It was so easy and painless.

Luck was my lady last night!

Pearls Before Swine

Maybe you have to work in the industry, but I almost fell out of my chair (and that was before I started drinking!)

A Quick Commentary on the Price of Gasoline

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Officer John

It has been brought to my attention that my future nephew (do they really become a ‘nephew’ when they marry your niece, or just the ‘dude who married your niece’?) has become an officer in some form of law enforcement. Details are sketchy; my sister was trying to break it to me slowly to avoid panic.

At first glance, this appears to have all the makings of a very unfortunate situation. I have thought about it long and hard. Is he just trying to intimidate me so I don’t go to the wedding? Is he afraid I will wreck the event like I did that other wedding? Is he afraid the Four Younger Siblings and Their Much Older Sister are past their prime and their performance will be lackluster?

First, let it be known that the statute of limitations has passed on every crime I have ever committed in the state of Utah. (Obviously, I haven’t been to Utah in a significant period of time.) So John, dragging my sorry old ass into headquarters will not be a feather in your cap. Your supervisor will not be amused. And don’t think you’re going to trick me into crossing the state line into Arizona. I’m too wily for that ploy.

Second, that unfortunate situation at the other wedding wasn’t entirely my fault. I don’t feel that I should be forced to shoulder the undivided blame. There was no outward sign that the future in-laws were so hyper-sensitive. How was I to know that the whole affair would blow up into a major incident? But think about it for a moment. If you forget about the trip to the emergency room, the bitter name-calling and the broken Ming vase, it was really quite funny.

So, Officer John, your attempts to daunt me will not work. Don’t think your newfound authority will cause me to cower in the corner. I will not be browbeaten. I will stand tall and proud, if not totally obnoxious.

Oh, and congratulations. (And give the Doctor a hug for me.)

Famous people born on May 10th.

Sir Thomas Johnstone Lipton – think Lipton Tea.

David O. Selznick – think Gone With the Wind.

Denis Thatcher – think Margaret’s husband.

Ella Grasso – think governor of Connecticut.

Fred Astaire – think Dancing in the Rain.

John Wilkes Booth – think assassin.

Sid Vicious - don't think.

Jane VanBrunt – think one of the four best sister’s in the world.

Happy Birthday, Jane!

To all you mothers and others.

Happy Mother’s Day!

And happy first rhubarb crisp of the season!

Ripped From the Headlines

"Sexual satisfaction ebbs for 45-plus set."

Duh!

We ain't hot no more!

I’d Like to Propose a New National Holiday.

Earlier today, while I was perusing the internet, I read that on May 7th, 1660, in den Haag, Netherlands, Isaak (Isaack) Fubine patented macaroni. I had never really thought of macaroni as a Dutch delicacy, but it is one more reason to love Holland. Someone told me once that it is possible that something could be on the internet and not be true. Although I personally find that hard to believe, I felt it would be prudent of me to try and prove or disprove the theory that Isaak (Issack) is my hero and I adore the man.

First, I think you will all be stunned to know that there are literally dozens of web pages out there that deal with the history of macaroni. Apparently there is quite a cult of macaroniists with access to computers. Kind of warms my cockles. Some of them mention the Etruscans, some the Arabs, others the Jews and some even mentioned Sicily. Nobody seems to really agree about much of anything regarding the origins of macaroni. But that is, of course, different than patenting macaroni. I did find multiple sites that confirmed that Isaak (Isaack) B. Fubine of Savoy patented macaroni on this date. (Apparently there is some controversy regarding the spelling of Ike's first name.)

Armed with that indisputable evidence, I would like to propose that May 7th be a national holiday. I feel this would be an amazing thing, as macaroniism is a secular idealism that could unite Arabs and Jews, Christians and Pagans. This could be the one thing that will bond liberals and conservatives. Anti-abortionist and Pro-lifers could sit together and enjoy true gluttony without the harsh militarism.

Join the movement today. Contact your congressperson and demand that May 7th be declared National Macaroni Day. Ask that Isaak (Isaack) Fubine’s picture be placed on the one dollar bill. Stand up for what is right and just.

From Yahoo! Sports

"In general, people in the sports world keep their political leanings to themselves. Sure, there are a few guys who regularly speak out on political issues, but for the most part that's considered bad business. As Michael Jordan put it, 'Republicans buy shoes too.' That's why what the Phoenix Suns are doing is so amazing.

The team will be wearing its "Los Suns" jerseys for Wednesday night's Game 2 against the San Antonio Spurs 'to honor [the] Latino community and the diversity of our league, the state of Arizona, and our nation.'

Awesome."

You go, Suns!

Part Three of Last Weekend.

Richard and I (along with many other people from my work) went to see Cirque du Soleil. Yes, they were wonderful, it was amazing; all that crap.

But I left with major ideas for our next sibling performance. All we need to do is get Karla on a unicycle up on a tightrope, and we will have a major hit.

Annie, it’s time you got your tightrope/unicycle groove on!

And So This Is Spring.

They are forecasting the abomination of spring. They are forecasting snow. Tonight. Upper Hood River Valley.

My apologies to all you residents of the frigid north who find a May snow refreshing. I am not one of you. This sucks the big one.

We Have Company.

Meet Donner, one of the nicest young dogs you will ever have the pleasure to encounter.

Donner is Ralph and Trixie’s houseguest for the next few days.

Of course, being seasoned Saint Bernards, Ralph and Trixie were expecting a big slumber party. Being an active dog in the prime of his life, Donner was expecting more on the line of sex, drugs and rock and roll.

Donner is coping.

Perhaps I Spoke Too Quickly.

I didn't mean to insinuate that Max and Spike have brains of papier-mâché. I really didn’t!

Now Max, please don’t hurt me. (At least don’t scar my elbows!)

May Day! May Day!

I read today that scientists are racing to construct a cat-level brain.

I looked over at Max and Spike: do you think the scientists are using papier-mâché?