Celebrating the Dakotas

Yes, 119 years ago today, North and South Dakota became the 39th and 40th state in the union. I imagine that there are great celebrations planned in both states today. Party in Minot! Party in Minot!

Many people know little about the Dakotas, so I wanted to give you all a brief synopsis of the history of these great states.

For centuries, the area currently known as North and South Dakota, was inhabited by members of the Sioux tribe. They lived in harmony in a land that bore an uncanny resemblance to Eden. Palm trees swayed in the breeze and zebras and gnus romped on the prairie. But sadly their paradise was soon to be altered forever.

In the early 19th century, retail pioneers Pierre Bismarck and Belle Fourche-Dickinson crossed over the Red River from Minnesota and traveled from village to village of the Sioux selling “top quality” silverware. Yes, they had nice knives, nifty spoons and Grand Forks. Pierre and Belle were successful beyond their wildest dream; bringing table manners to the Sioux, a tribe known here to fore for its horrific etiquette.

A medicine man of the Sioux, Rapid City Eddy had purchased flatware from the itinerant salespeople. Sadly, the craftsmanship of the nice knives, nifty spoons and Grand Forks was not up to R.C.’s demanding standards. He called up Belle on her cell phone and demanded a refund of the purchase price. Belle just laughed at the shaman and hung up.

R.C. was pissed. He conjured up a plague on the land. He brought an Arctic wind to the territory and the palm trees packed their bags and headed south. Mal temps had come to the Dakotas.

Survival was tough: it was an extreme time. People turned against each other. Neighbor was pitted against neighbor, dirt farmer against sodbuster, cross-dresser against school district superintendent. Nothing was sacred.

And the violence was nasty. There was hair pulling, eye gouging and low blows. The Dakotas were in turmoil.

When news of the brutality reached Sweden, good King Olav-Ingmar Bergman decreed that it was the duty of the Swedes to bring peace to the territory. So a Concorde load of blond-haired blue-eyed men and women flew to the new world. With their calm aura and non-violent poise they set an example for all to follow. Four hours after the Norsemen and women came to the area, the battling inhabitants were sitting around the campfire, holding hands and singing Kum-by-Yah.

Oh, and a few years ago, North Dakota named its largest city after a quite good, if not somewhat quirky, movie.