Return with me to a simpler time. Ward and June have just won the “Parents of the Year” award sponsored by Better Homes & Gardens. On the cover of Time Magazine is an artist’s rendition of a nuke blowing Nevada to smithereens. Glamour’s cover is graced by Grace Slick… er, Grace Whats-Her-Name. You know, the queen of Monaco.
Anyway, it was long ago and far away. It was a time of innocence. The seven mortal sins were just being discerned. It was up to me to give them true definition.
Lust – Karla gets the first serving of Ice Cream and Johnny Sauce. I look at it. My god it is beautiful. Cool, creamy, so seductively sweet. The sauce dripping down the ice cream, I just want to lick it off. I want it so bad. Oh, somebody stop me before I do something really, really embarrassing.
Gluttony – More. More. More. I want more, more, more.
Greed – There are so few kernels of candy corn left. I’m sure I saw Beth looking at them. I just know she is going to take some. She can’t have any more. Who does she think she is? I must stop her. I must get them all for myself. From where I sit I can reach the light switch. It is suddenly dark. Then it is light again. The kernels have all disappeared.
Sloth – I have eaten. More than I ever thought possible. I lay on the floor. Motionless. Semi-conscious. I have no desire to move. No reason to move. No way I could move. I am sated. I will lie here until enough food has settled as to allow me to crawl to bed. Hey, could somebody slide that half eaten plate of Macaroni & Cheese my way?
Wrath – Dammit, Jane got more Ice Cream that I did. She is going to pay. I will not allow her to get away with this. Sometimes you just gotta take a woman down a peg or two. She will rue the day she took a bigger helping of ice cream than me!!
Envy – Why is it Puds always gets more of the cheesy crust than I do? I just don’t understand why Mom would give her the best plate, with the really crusty cheese. It isn’t fair. Trudy always gets the best!
Pride – I ate more than you did ‘cause I’m better than you!
Anyway, it was long ago and far away. It was a time of innocence. The seven mortal sins were just being discerned. It was up to me to give them true definition.
Lust – Karla gets the first serving of Ice Cream and Johnny Sauce. I look at it. My god it is beautiful. Cool, creamy, so seductively sweet. The sauce dripping down the ice cream, I just want to lick it off. I want it so bad. Oh, somebody stop me before I do something really, really embarrassing.
Gluttony – More. More. More. I want more, more, more.
Greed – There are so few kernels of candy corn left. I’m sure I saw Beth looking at them. I just know she is going to take some. She can’t have any more. Who does she think she is? I must stop her. I must get them all for myself. From where I sit I can reach the light switch. It is suddenly dark. Then it is light again. The kernels have all disappeared.
Sloth – I have eaten. More than I ever thought possible. I lay on the floor. Motionless. Semi-conscious. I have no desire to move. No reason to move. No way I could move. I am sated. I will lie here until enough food has settled as to allow me to crawl to bed. Hey, could somebody slide that half eaten plate of Macaroni & Cheese my way?
Wrath – Dammit, Jane got more Ice Cream that I did. She is going to pay. I will not allow her to get away with this. Sometimes you just gotta take a woman down a peg or two. She will rue the day she took a bigger helping of ice cream than me!!
Envy – Why is it Puds always gets more of the cheesy crust than I do? I just don’t understand why Mom would give her the best plate, with the really crusty cheese. It isn’t fair. Trudy always gets the best!
Pride – I ate more than you did ‘cause I’m better than you!
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