Dear John,

Okay, I sat back and grinned smugly when Carrie Prejean’s sex tape went public. I think it highlighted her often-overlooked skankiness. And when Governor Sanford told the world he was going to work on his marriage, despite the woman in Argentina being his ‘soul mate’, I had to almost feel sorry for him. How stupid could he be? I mean, what was the dimwit thinking?

But John Edwards, you have totally crossed the line. (Actually, I think it was quite a number of lines you crossed over.) Your wife is battling a devastating form of cancer and you frickin’ have an affair. You want to be president, so you sire a child out-of-wedlock to increase your chances. (The child can’t vote for 18 years, you dumbfuck! And I wouldn’t count on him to vote for you anyway!) And you have it videoed!

I am outraged. As much as anything, I am mad at myself for having supported you in the past. But face it dude, from the gutter to you ain’t up! (I borrowed that from a classic old song.) Just because you are a political big-wig with nice hair doesn’t mean you get to have sex with everyone you want. Didn’t you learn anything from the Clinton years?

But this gives me an idea for a very profitable venture: an epic porn film starring Carrie and John. A little something for everyone! I’ve got to run, I need to write the script for my new project.