Kind of an update

A wise man, who I love and respect, once thanked me for being honest in my blog. I never really thought of myself as honest, just thought I was screaming out what I felt at the time. I think there is a difference, but maybe there isn’t.

You want the brutal, ugly truth, here it is.

Most of you know that Richard and I want back east last fall. I don’t really know what I thought, but I certainly didn’t think it was the end. But the three key people we visited; Chris, his lifelong friend from college, Gail, his co-worker at CUA and his cousin Agnes all sent me correspondence after Richard died saying they knew it was his farewell tour. Am I the only dumbfuck who had no idea it was a “farewell tour”? How fucking stupid and naïve am I?

In the last year and a half, I have lost Ralph and Trixie, Tillie and Spike and Richard. People tell me I need to fight the cancer. Okay, what am I fighting for, the right to be lonely and despondent for as long as possible? Don’t get me wrong, Max and Tom are great cats, (I just wish they got along). Despite my claims of Max being the second cousin of the devil once removed, the truth is he is a good cat. And Tom is a sweetheart, but… What am I fighting for?

And I am the caregiver, not one who is taken care of. I am not in a state of mind to ask for help. I should be able to help myself. But the months are coming where I won't be able to help myself.  This isn’t how it suppose to be.

And my insurance company has yet to approve any tests. So I wait.